I must confess

Me joining PANTAS has become, really, another way of fooling myself. I get nervous too quickly, and, though this may not have been apparent, I was scared shitless from the second I told myself I would join. From that decision I made in the orientation.

And I guess, since then, I've been trying to psych myself out of the crazy shaky anxiety.

But the truth is I am still scared, and now that there is no shit to scare away, my shit is in the negatives, and when shit regenerates, more shit will be taken away so when I'm scared again there will be less to scare away. Won't shock me if you didn't get this. Really.

So in-between worrying about whether I should still shift to Communication Arts and worrying about my story idea, I guess I kind of have, for lack of a better term, lost my groove.

And this weekend, I shall try to find it again. Writing God, hear me out. Save my sorry ass.

It has occurred to me that I'm looking at the picture entirely wrong. I'm seeing it as a job, I've analyzed it too much that it's become taxing and therefore, exhausting---and exhausted. Because I can't squeeze out that much from my shriveled-up shit of a brain.

Oh, how I yearn to see this again as something that inspires instead of needing inspiration. I need to see this as  something I'd love to do again. No pressure. I'll work really hard to shut that out.

God, there's that word again.

But my reporting today went well, and the talk with Kuya Power Gen really helped. I like him already.